I love that grandparents usually have nicknames.
My grandma and grandpa on my mom’s side were Ita and Ito. Short for Abuelita and Abuelito. Ita used to give me money on my birthday, tucked away in a card I wouldn’t read. Not because I didn’t want to, but because it was in Spanish and I didn’t know Spanish1 so my mom would have to translate it for me. The cards were always addressed to “Josue”. Ita would call me Josue and I liked this about our relationship. It made me feel special. No one else called me Josue back then except for Ita. It was something that was ours2.
I’m certain she gave money to all the grandkids — which was a lot — but I would like to think it was only my money that was the only money folded up into a little t-shirt3.
The Ita fashioned t-shirts continued until maybe she felt I was too grown-up for money folded into a t-shirt — which was a few years after I probably felt I was too grown-up for money folded t-shirt. She started sending checks. Then when I started moving around in my mid-twenties so instead she would call me on my birthday.
I answered for a couple of years but soon after, I would hear her birthday messages through left voicemails. Then she stopped calling.
I don’t blame her. I stopped answering. I haven’t been the best grandkid.
This past year I decided to call her on her birthday. I should have been calling her on every birthday but instead of shoulding myself into an abyss of shame, I picked up the phone and called.
She said she almost didn’t answer because she didn’t recognize the number. Now I was swimming in that abyss.
But she spoke with words untouched by spite, soaked in love and grace.
She asked what I’ve been up to and I gave her the updates. I moved to Colorado, I’m working for myself, and I got accepted to a grad program. She expressed how proud she was of me even though I’m sure working in the creative media space and predominately podcast producing and editing didn't make much sense to her, but her pride in me was all the same4.
She then proceeded to tell me how smart I was and how she’s always known I was smart. It didn’t surprise her I got accepted to a graduate program. I said, “Or at least I can pretend to be smart enough to be accepted.” Her response:
“No, you are smart. God made you smart. Don’t throw away how God has made you.”
I do this a lot. I dismiss the good things about myself. I wrap up self-deprecation in humor to make it look pretty and nice as if it’s a gift, without realizing the psychological damage I inflict upon myself. On the surface it’s jokes but underneath is the belief that I am not.
I am not smart.
I am not special.
I am not worthy.
I am not the good things people see in me and the good things that I am.
Whether you believe or don’t believe in a God who has designed us to be us, we are who we are and we were made the way we are.
I’m trying to no longer throw away me. I will probably be trying for the rest of my life. But trying is what I’ll keep doing.
Don’t throw away you.
Website: justjoshperez.com
Twitter: @justjoshperez
Instagram: @justjoshperez
Still don’t but now when people ask if I speak Spanish I say, “mas or menos” or “asi asi” and wobble a leveled hand.
Now a few others call me Josue and I love that they do. The special is shared.
Ita predates youtube and I’m sure theirs a not-so-surprising answer to how she learned how to fold a dollar bill into a t-shirt but at this moment right now, I’m wildly impressed how this was accomplished without the internet.
She also asked if I was seeing anyone. She said I was smart for not getting married young and there’s plenty of life for that. But when I said I wasn’t dating she said, “ohhhh well, you know it’s good to have someone to live life with. Not just sexually but to have companionship.” There was more to it but I’ll save the details. I never thought I would have a conversation involving sex with my Ita but there we were.
Don't Throw Away You
thanks for sharing these heart warming stories! My husbands gran also folds money into fun shapes. We just got her an iPad and she asks Siri for help learning how to make them now😂